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A Farticle

What is a farticle you ask? Ill tell you. In my world, it is something like a fake article. Well, it actually IS one. So yes, go enjoy this farticle I wrote some months ago.....


5 Reasons to never go to a comedy club on a first date


Everyone has their own idea of what a perfect first date looks like. For some, the perfect date is dinner and a movie. For others, it is a casual night at a museum or brewery. Yet, to every perfect date there is an equal and opposite nightmare date happening somewhere around this fine planet we call home, and honestly? As a Stand Up comedian, I can say that 87% of all bad dates happen at comedy clubs. I’ll let you in on my top 5 reasons to never go to a comedy club on the first date: 


He will be inspired to tell you all about his favorite comedian Dane Cook.

 

Ok I admit, number one doesn’t sound like a reason to get up and leave the table in the middle of appetizers. But underneath that statement of, “Dane Cook is hysterical” lay a whole slew of problems to come. Next will be, “Yeah well Louis CK is still funny” or I shudder to think he says, “TJ Miller is coming back to Denver, we should go.” Turning a blind eye to comedians conduct strictly because they have a funny punchline about being the “Burger King” says a lot about what they think is acceptable behavior. 

Run fast and far.


You’re basically going on a date with his ego 


Biologically, women are attracted to funny. Not sure why but we love those punchlines ladies; doesn’t matter how many abs they do in the gym. (or if they even go at all) I’m not here to body shame. All I’m saying is that being funny is scientifically linked to finding a mate, and surviving out there in the wild jungle of life. Going to a comedy club with a dude seems sweet and innocent to us. But for him, deep down it is all about competition. As the comedian on stage gets laughs, the men in the crowd sense a rival. It’s even worse when its a female comedian. If he, at any point during the date says, “I mean, I could totally be a comedian. All my friends think I’m funny. I haven’t written anything down yet but I have like 20 minutes of material”, this is a sign that he is threatened; lacking self confidence. (And no, no you do not Chad.) 

*If you are a man and totally offended by this statement, find your nearest comedy open mic and give your jokes a whirl. Stop saying this shit. As well as being disrespectful to the art of comedy, its dumb and pisses off every comedian you say this to. 


You would miss your session at Goat Yoga 


Ah the benefits of living in the age we do. We have cat cafes, professional cuddlers, pancake artists and the ever popular Goat Yoga. I don’t know about you, but goats are pretty #fuckingrad. So rad in fact, that its becoming a staple amongst the Jenns and Shannons of Colorado. While there is nothing wrong with it, there IS something wrong with missing a kick ass workout for a doomed to fail first date. You can either pay 10 dollars to have cute baby goats climb all over your heart strings, or the ultimate price of your time with a possibly unfunny comedian, and your bumble date who won’t stop heckling, leaving you in a pool of embarrassment. (If he does heckle please refer above to #2) 


He might be a serial killer 


Maya Angelou once said “Don’t trust people who don’t laugh”, and I agree. Scientists say in order to understand a joke, one must have a specific level of understanding, empathy and overall sense of awareness. If you’re sitting next to Ted* and he’s not laughing at ANYTHING, run for the hills. Not only is this a sign that he might be a wanted murderer, but it also means he probably won’t be open to adopting a dog with you. Out of all of the reasons to not go on a date with someone, the idea of murder is a pretty substantial one.

*Don’t trust anyone named Ted anyways


It could actually work out 


Yes, it could actually work out. None of the above reasons could apply, you could have a great time and go home with inside jokes you tell at your wedding 4 years later. Its the scariest reason out of all because now you’re forced to work through all of that baggage you’ve collected over the years and experience a healthy relationship with a great guy. Eeks. Don’t worry though, there is still a chance his mom won't like you. 

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